a sleepless ramble.

This entry, has no central focus. I just can't sleep and felt the need to just...write.

I all of a sudden started feeling SUPER weird. Everything in my body just feels...off. My head started hurting, then the side of my neck got all tingly then numb, I started to see spots, and I got dizzy. Out of panic, I called my dad, since my parents are out of town. To my surprise, he answered and I told him what's up. He asked me if I did anything different than normal, which I didn't. His conclusion- spiritual warfare. So, we prayed and he advised me to put on some worship music, which I've done. I just...I guess this spiritual warfare aspect makes sense. These past few weeks have been filled with many victories, both small and big, and lots of learning, and I can feel things looming. You ever feel like you've made strides so you're expecting opposition? That's me right now. 

I can just feel my fear and anxiety being played on a lot. Being in this house, all empty except for myself and a puny dog, has made me feel fearful, for no reason. It's like I'm expecting to find someone attempting to break in or to see a demon or to have some crazy random bad thing happen. I hate it. I feel like that's the thing the enemy uses the most to try and discourage me and take me out- fear. And I think a lot of those fears are based off of experiences in my past, making my mind go, "Oh, that's happened before, so it's not impossible." 

Satan is such a jerk. Such a rat-faced liar. I have nothing to fear in reality. The Lord has me. As His child, nothing can come against me. I just need to rely on these truths in these moments.

I think another thing that plays off of my fears is that I've had some funky dreams, mainly dealing with demonic forces coming my way. I would go into specifics, but I feel like that would be giving those dreams more undeserved power. I just need to learn to wake myself up and pray when those occur. :-P

Well, rambling that out felt better. I can slowly feel the Lord quieting my heart. But, if you happen to read this, say a prayer for me if you wish. I believe more opposition will come, but with God, I can get past it all.

Lessons from a dachshund.

This weekend, my parents went out of town for my mother's 40th high school reunion (I can't even fathom that). They left me with Rocki, our 4 year old dachshund. Cute, right? Sure, he's cute, but I can't stand him. Maybe I'm still bitter from those times when he was a puppy that he'd pee on me due to being too excited. But, there's so many things that bother me about him, versus my other dog (who, for some reason, got to go to the kennel this weekend). See, Rocki barks at EVERYTHING. He especially hates the sound of motors, bicycles, children, other dogs, anything that sounds like a doorbell, and any loud sound, and lets that be known with excessive barking. He likes to go to the bathroom inside, sometimes. He constantly licks my feet, legs, arms, and whatever other skin may be exposed. The list goes on.
Recently, Rocki started to loose his eyesight. My parents called me towards the end of my stay in Texas to let me know he was basically blind and they were paying out the wazoo for vet bills. One of the meds he's on makes him pee like crazy, causing the 'accidents inside the house' ratio go up. He needs help with many things due to his eyesight being virtually gone. He's extra cuddly, and with that, extra needy.
So, knowing I had to take care of him made me feel, I guess queasy is an alright word. During the 4 years we've had him, I've never had to take care of him. And now, I get to take care of him thanks to being the only person home.
I could choose to be a heartless jerk and ignore him and not help whatsoever.
But, the thing is, I'm choosing the opposite. I have to make that choice to help him, as I'm the only one who can meet the needs he currently has. With each task that I have to do, I'm slowly growing alright with helping him.
Why am I writing all this? It's made me think, a lot. It's made me think of how we as humans can create a mindset that we won't help others because 1- someone else can do it, 2- we hold grievances with someone, therefore helping them is out of the question, or 2- we feel the need to do things that only suite or rewards us.
I know I've been guilty of this, mainly the second one. I randomly think of people that have needed help that I've ignored because I'm mad at them or they annoy me or they're too needy or...the list goes on. Yes, someone else can and I know have helped them, but why not me? Why not get past those things and go for it? What if that's something the Lord specifically wants to use me in, but I push it aside based off of my flimsy feelings?
I'm starting to see how I only really like to help those who've not wronged me. Even if I do end up helping them, it's usually with a half-hearted effort or with bitterness in a deep reserve inside of me.
Basically, I'm getting my butt kicked by this concept.

Luke 6:27-38 was a part of my daily Bible reading today. Funny one, Lord. It says this: (this is after Jesus delivers the beatitudes)
"But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those you curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, yo also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore, be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you." (NKJV)

I pray that the Lord will continue to work on me with this, and you as well, if you need it.
I hope that while I continue to get a change of heart whilst helping Rocki, that change of heart will be translated to humans aka beings that are more important.
And if you wish to say a prayer for the lil Rockapoo, feel free to do so. ;)

a year's worth of catching up

Here we go again- take two of Laura's blog-life. This time I promise to post at least once a week and not grow lazy. A great part of my not posting for a year was my life becoming chaos. A chaos I created. Venture with me, will you?

Coming back home from RMC was harder for me than I expected. Madness was happening with my family and I didn't know how to cope with, well, anything. It was a slow descent. I started making a bunch of compromises...it's funny how a thought can turn into one little compromise and then that little compromise just becomes a giant that's waiting to beat you down, and essentially, try and take your life. Eventually I wound up in New York, against everyone's advice, to stay with a friend. This friend is probably the one person in my life with whom I've done the most sinning with. Needless to say, the time spent in New York was a drugged up blur. When I finally got home in the middle of December, I knew something had to change- I had hit my bottom. At first I tried keeping silent about how I had fallen in such a way due to shame. I kept thinking, "How could I go to this discipleship program, learn and change so much, and then come back to my old life? How could someone not judge and condemn me for that?" I'm now over that. What's happened happened, and I do believe the Lord has used it to draw me closer to Him. I believe a great deal of my messing up had to deal with a hidden desire I still had for my old life. I wasn't truly repentant, as repentance isn't merely a change in actions, but a change of mindset which then produces a change in actions.

So, I spent some time getting help and getting sober. Then, in February, I moved down to Galveston, TX. I lived with one of my closest friends from RMC, the dear Chelsea Miller. I was so nervous going down there- I had no idea what to expect, and the fact that I would also be living with a girl who I'd never met before terrified me. Those thoughts of, "What if we don't get along?", or "What if she just straight up doesn't like me?" where there, constantly. And I'll admit, it took some time and breaking for us to get past just being pleasant to one another and truly becoming friends. Anywho, while I was in Texas, the Lord wrecked me in such a way that I will never be the same. The struggles I had this time last year are gone- I desire nothing but the Lord and all He has for me. None of that other crap will ever measure up or give me all that He can, and for that, my life is finally fully His. I spent a lot of time with just the Lord in TX, since we didn't have TV, I didn't really have any friends down there, and no computer aka- no distractions. I also went through counseling, specifically trauma resolution therapy. That was incredibly hard to do, but it's brought forth so much healing and closure, things I'm not sure if I've ever really had. I learned a lot about who I am, who He's created me to be, what He wants for my life, etc. I even learned what things I truly like and dislike. I guess it'd be easier to put it like this- I finally got not just a sense of identity, but an identity. Simply because I accepted what HE says about who I am, and blocked out the voices of everyone else and what they try to label me as. 

The Lord really just gave me true freedom. Can I just tell you how amazing this freedom is? I don't even know if I'd have the words to describe that. I'm so grateful that right now, I am no longer the same person I was 6 months ago.

There's so many random things that happened in Texas, that actually do matter, that I could write about. Maybe another time.

But now, I'm back in Minnesota. The choice to come back versus stay in Texas was hard. It would have been easier if my roomies hadn't moved to Alabama, but I've come to accept that I was there for a season, and now I'm back. Things in MN are so much better than I expected. Things with my family have become astronomically better. It's been a great reminder of how the Lord knows, and He is always faithful. The hardest thing about being back is feeling alone. Sure, I have friends and family, but not people so passionately burning for Christ. At times I feel crazy. My walk definitely doesn't rely on anyone else's faith; I'm just saying it's harder to not have accountability or people seeking after the same thing as you. But, I guess, it makes sense thinking about it. My lovely friend Brooke gave me this insight- that the Lord has me in a time of suspension. I've just come out of a lot and went through a lot of healing and such, and now that I'm back in MN, it's His time to see if I'm completely serious. It's time for Him to be all that I have. Time for Him to be the only voice I hear. To me, that makes total sense, so I just need to be happy about that ;)

I'm just trying to figure out what to do next in life. I know without the shadow of a doubt what the Lord wants me to do with my life, but I'm not exactly sure how to get there. I've been told by a few wise people that just doing it is a great beginning. But I guess I'm more confused on where I'm supposed to be. I have a few options, but I don't want to take them just because they're there. I just need to trust that the Lord will let it be known in His timing. :)

Well, I think we're all caught up for the most part. I'm glad we could do this.

(this blog post fueled by the album "With Shivering Hearts We Wait" by Blindside)

Good intentions

Good intentions aren't equal to love. They're not equal to the action you say you're going to do. If, anything, it's a lack of love, a lack of committment, and in the end prove a person unreliable and untrustworthy.
"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." I couldn't agree with that old statement anymore. Maybe the intentions rest in, "Oh, I'll stop doing this to allow God to be in my life even more." and it never happens to "I'll do this with this person." and it never happens.
I, myself, am fed up with people's good intentions. Maybe because that's all I've really gotten since being home from Rockford. The friends I once knew seem to rest upon good intentions, but that's all. I feel disconnected, without a friend here, and sometimes with a friend elsewhere. See...it's ok to have good intentions and not follow through on them SOMETIMES- if you didn't let someone down, you'd not be human, and we know that's not possible. But for someone to constantly fail someone else, that's not friendship, that's a way of abuse in my mind. Just my thoughts.

my random thoughts on technology.

This won't be super-cohesive, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately...about how technology driven our culture is. How my generation is becoming more and more socially retarded because we rely on technology to communicate. Yes, I'm using technology to communicate my thoughts on this, but it's nothing I've felt a conviction about. If I do feel a conviction about having a blog, I'm going to stop.

I've started to cut back on the amount of technology and entertainment I engage in.
I'm fasting Facebook. I feel like Facebook is somewhat of a communication fail. Yes, it's a great way to stay in contact, but still. It's so impersonal. It's sad to me that I have to read people's statuses to find out what they're doing, what's new in life. And, if I want to communicate with someone, it's splayed out for the whole world to see on their wall. Yes, I could just message something super-important to someone, but still. I'd prefer talking to someone face to face or calling them in order to tell them something important- at least I could see their facial expressions, body language, and/or hear their voice to hear their tone and not assume things and create a bigger mess. I'd rather have someone want to talk to me because they want to talk to me- not because they read something online or because they are vying for someone to post back on their wall.

I'm learning to cut back on watching TV and movies. I've come to see that movies aren't just entertainment, but they are something created to stir emotions in us. It hit me- why am I becoming invested in the life of a character that's not real, who I will never have interaction with, and depending on the movie- some are just flat out unrealistic. Movies can stir up things that shouldn't be there in me, like lust, envy, anger, and I even consider sympathy to be bad in this case. Why should I feel sympathy or empathy for, as I said before, someone that's not real and who I will never have interaction with...especially when there's people I've known for years and I still hold them at arm's length because maybe I'm afraid of them. Or have preconceived notions and judgments towards them. Or their personality annoys me. So I hold back that sympathy/empathy...why should I? I think showing sympathy/empathy towards someone respects them. It says, "Yes, you are human, and your feelings are valid. You should be grieving this loss (from a death to relationships, they're all losses) or you should be feeling that way because what happened wasn't right." It validates that those feelings are legit.
Then TV- everything on is cop shows and reality TV. Cop shows to me just stir up fear and Lord knows I don't need to have something that can do that to me. Then reality TV- oh, we sit and watch as families allow camera crews into their house...and watch as that family eventually falls apart because of the fame or the strain of having no time together as family...without cameras, without producers, but together. Then, we also watch people tear down each other and just laugh at it or make no mind whatsoever about them. Just because they're on TV and getting paid, doesn't mean they don't have emotions as well. Most are oversexualized as well. Also, there's some things on TV we just laugh and laugh about, whether it be inappropriate or at the expense of others- and I question if we'd laugh at any of these situations in real life.
I've been putting the Blackberry away more and more and being intentional. I've been not sitting in front of my computer hours on end anymore. I only listen to music if I'm in the car or before I go to bed, instead of letting it be my life.
I just started the FB fast on Sunday. I've been slowly cutting back on entertainment the past few weeks. And it's so freeing. I've been able to spend more time educating myself, gaining knowledge, going out and doing things, communicating with people more efficiently, get focused on life and my goals and reach for them. And, I've becoming more and more less connected with temporary things. I can't take it with me, so why be so attached?

the easy button.

Christianity wasn't meant to be easy. Real Christianity isn't supposed to be, anyways. It's harder than living the easy, normal, directionless life. I know this.
The Bible tells us time & time again about trials and pains that will come our way and how we must persevere. I think we grasp that things are going to be hard, but only in certain areas- like the really really hard things. If that makes any sense.

But.

Do you want easy friends? The ones that you've had that let you get away with anything? The ones that don't challenge you to pursue a deeper relationship with God? The ones that sit back and indulge in sin with you?
Carrots don't sharpen iron.
Hebrews 3:13- But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

As far as relationships go on a more intimate level, do you want easy romance? One where there are no clear boundaries? Ones that tear you down? Ones that leave you co-dependent?
Be picky- don't settle. The only thing harder than being lonely is being in a crappy relationship.

Do you want to be an easy leader? One free of responsibilities? One that isn't fully invested in those who you've been called to lead? One that doesn't fully commit?
being easy on people doesn't make it better. they need to be trained, not coddled.

Do you want to take it easy on yourself? To not push yourself? To give up easily? To not pursue all that you have been called to do? To lay back and not do a thing?
characters are usually built into details. once you let details slip, you're on a slippery slope.

Do you want an easy God?

Think about it. Some of these, yeah, they sound enticing. But in the long run, easy is nothing. Easy isnt't worth it. Nothing, not one thing, that has been easy is worth it. Nothing that's worth it has come through anything but hardships and perseverence. Think about it and move your finger away from the easy button.

Wooden Heart

Shoot, I'm going to share this with you as an act of love. This weekend I went to Lifelight in Worthing, South Dakota. Great festival. In 3 days I saw shows by Abandon, Group 1 Crew, Remedy Drive, Showbread, David Crowder Band, Kari Jobe, Listener, F.O.G. Crew, Reilly, MercyMe, Leeland, children 18:3, Everyday Sunday, Family Force 5, BarlowGirl, State of Isaac, Brooke Barrettsmith (which was my personal favorite), and Francesca Battistelli. Anyways, I saw Listener for the first time after hearing all this hype about him after he played a show at Stuart's Coffeshop at Rockford First Assembly. He was so weird, but so awesome. His songs are really spoken word poems. When I heard this one, I won't lie, I teared up quite a bit. So, I pass along the lyrics to you. If only they could convey the amount of emotion and heart poured into them during the live performance....

WOODEN HEART (sea of mist called skaidan)


We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts
and it's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach,
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north,
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will...
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship,
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts.
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new start
we all have the same holes in our hearts...
everything falls apart at the exact same time
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric
shocking each other back to life
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected
our bones grown together inside
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided
our spines grown stronger in time
because are church is made out of shipwrecks
from every hull these rocks have claimed
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change
so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever
we only have what we remember