Coming back home from RMC was harder for me than I expected. Madness was happening with my family and I didn't know how to cope with, well, anything. It was a slow descent. I started making a bunch of compromises...it's funny how a thought can turn into one little compromise and then that little compromise just becomes a giant that's waiting to beat you down, and essentially, try and take your life. Eventually I wound up in New York, against everyone's advice, to stay with a friend. This friend is probably the one person in my life with whom I've done the most sinning with. Needless to say, the time spent in New York was a drugged up blur. When I finally got home in the middle of December, I knew something had to change- I had hit my bottom. At first I tried keeping silent about how I had fallen in such a way due to shame. I kept thinking, "How could I go to this discipleship program, learn and change so much, and then come back to my old life? How could someone not judge and condemn me for that?" I'm now over that. What's happened happened, and I do believe the Lord has used it to draw me closer to Him. I believe a great deal of my messing up had to deal with a hidden desire I still had for my old life. I wasn't truly repentant, as repentance isn't merely a change in actions, but a change of mindset which then produces a change in actions.
So, I spent some time getting help and getting sober. Then, in February, I moved down to Galveston, TX. I lived with one of my closest friends from RMC, the dear Chelsea Miller. I was so nervous going down there- I had no idea what to expect, and the fact that I would also be living with a girl who I'd never met before terrified me. Those thoughts of, "What if we don't get along?", or "What if she just straight up doesn't like me?" where there, constantly. And I'll admit, it took some time and breaking for us to get past just being pleasant to one another and truly becoming friends. Anywho, while I was in Texas, the Lord wrecked me in such a way that I will never be the same. The struggles I had this time last year are gone- I desire nothing but the Lord and all He has for me. None of that other crap will ever measure up or give me all that He can, and for that, my life is finally fully His. I spent a lot of time with just the Lord in TX, since we didn't have TV, I didn't really have any friends down there, and no computer aka- no distractions. I also went through counseling, specifically trauma resolution therapy. That was incredibly hard to do, but it's brought forth so much healing and closure, things I'm not sure if I've ever really had. I learned a lot about who I am, who He's created me to be, what He wants for my life, etc. I even learned what things I truly like and dislike. I guess it'd be easier to put it like this- I finally got not just a sense of identity, but an identity. Simply because I accepted what HE says about who I am, and blocked out the voices of everyone else and what they try to label me as.
The Lord really just gave me true freedom. Can I just tell you how amazing this freedom is? I don't even know if I'd have the words to describe that. I'm so grateful that right now, I am no longer the same person I was 6 months ago.
There's so many random things that happened in Texas, that actually do matter, that I could write about. Maybe another time.
But now, I'm back in Minnesota. The choice to come back versus stay in Texas was hard. It would have been easier if my roomies hadn't moved to Alabama, but I've come to accept that I was there for a season, and now I'm back. Things in MN are so much better than I expected. Things with my family have become astronomically better. It's been a great reminder of how the Lord knows, and He is always faithful. The hardest thing about being back is feeling alone. Sure, I have friends and family, but not people so passionately burning for Christ. At times I feel crazy. My walk definitely doesn't rely on anyone else's faith; I'm just saying it's harder to not have accountability or people seeking after the same thing as you. But, I guess, it makes sense thinking about it. My lovely friend Brooke gave me this insight- that the Lord has me in a time of suspension. I've just come out of a lot and went through a lot of healing and such, and now that I'm back in MN, it's His time to see if I'm completely serious. It's time for Him to be all that I have. Time for Him to be the only voice I hear. To me, that makes total sense, so I just need to be happy about that ;)
I'm just trying to figure out what to do next in life. I know without the shadow of a doubt what the Lord wants me to do with my life, but I'm not exactly sure how to get there. I've been told by a few wise people that just doing it is a great beginning. But I guess I'm more confused on where I'm supposed to be. I have a few options, but I don't want to take them just because they're there. I just need to trust that the Lord will let it be known in His timing. :)
Well, I think we're all caught up for the most part. I'm glad we could do this.
(this blog post fueled by the album "With Shivering Hearts We Wait" by Blindside)
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